July 5, 2014– Congress has agreed to take into consideration a law drafted by a non-partisan women’s group called Undermining The Enduring Relationships of an Unthankful Society (UTERUS). Angered by the recent Supreme Court decision allowing individuals to make moral decisions outside of their place of worship, UTERUS has collected enough signatures to present a law requiring religious people to wear muzzles at specific times.
UTERUS has ensured the public that most people will not be required to wear these muzzles: only those whose religion requires them to pray to the god who is called Father and who has a son called Christ. Even these people need not wear them all the time, since this would be a violation of their human dignity which UTERUS tries to protect for all people.
UTERUS works to protect the civil liberties of all our nation’s citizens; most importantly those who agree with us.
These designated groups of people will be granted “muzzle free zones” which will include their homes and in some cases, their places of worship. Upon entering these “muzzle free zones” a key will be provided by each person’s caretaker to remove the muzzle. Showing their infinite compassion, UTERUS has proposed the development of a new administrative force which will aid the newly muzzled in everyday interactions. Each muzzled person will be assigned a third year Liberal Arts student who will guide them and perform their interactions with the public. When entering their homes or places of worship, the guides will remove the muzzles so the individual can freely speak.
The guides will be permitted to enter the muzzled’s place of worship in order to ensure no corporate dissent is building. If any suspicious activity is thought to be taking place the guides will report to their Overseers. Qualifications for the Overseer position are simply prior held positions as a professor of Gender Studies, a celebrity activist, or an Episcopal priest. The fate of dissenters and their places of worship will be brought before another newly formed non-partisan group called The National Enrichment and Re-education Organization (NERO). NERO will determine the worth of each individual, their place of worship, and if they are capable of re-education.
Only far-right, extremist, patriarchal religious groups are unhappy about this new law. A spokesman for one of these hate groups commented (condensed by our editors for clarity):
We. . . hate. . . women. . .
“This just goes to show the need for the Liberty Muzzle,” the all-loving Mother, and president of UTERUS replied. With a patient smile she added, “Once everyone thinks like we do, there won’t be any use for the muzzles.”
-this article originally appeared in The Progressive Puppeteer